Stone Protectors was an ineffective marketing attempt in the mid-nineties to fuse the Troll Doll craze with the popularity of the Ninja Turtles in order to sell toys. I absolutely loved my Mutant Turtles, but as for Trolls, I'll never forgive those cute exhibitionists for giving me a mild case of trichophagia when I was very young. (The synthetic hair smelled so non-toxic nice and was as colorful as cotton candy, who was I to resist a taste?)

Troll Dolls actually go as far back as 1959 when a Dane named Thomas Dam began making wooden collectibles modeled after the trolls of Norwegian folk tales. In the nineties, a resurgence of Troll Dolls hit America hard as one of the biggest fads of the time, overshadowing other hard-hitters as slap bracelets and temperature-controlled neon color-changing clothing. The nineties were a wonderful time in this country's history.

Most Trolls of that era came from one of two toy companies: Russ or Ace Novelty. The latter manufactured and sold a line of dolls called Treasure Trolls that differed from Russ in that the trolls contained little jewels in their belly buttons. Commercials emphasized that the tummy jewels were meant to be wished on when there was something you really wanted, such as wishing for cherry cough syrup to really taste like cherry. (Ah, the simple demands of an innocent child as determined and written by a shark marketing exec.)

Both companies catered towards young girls until 1992 when a third toy company, Hasbro, looked to expand the market and introduced Battle Trolls aimed at boys. Despite having all of the essential ingredients to a win a small boy's heart, like "rude locker room smell" and weapons that shot plastic projectiles at bothersome cootie sisters, Hasbro was not very successful. That same year, Ace also tried their hand with their own boy-targeted troll line: Stone Protectors.

A year later, one 13-episode season TV show based on the Stone Protectors property broadcasted to drum up support for the toys. I would not have mentioned the cartoon otherwise if not for the rock 'n roll song in the opening with the chorus lyrics: "We're the Stoooone Protectors! Our stones of power glow!"

Yes, but apparently their games didn't. Stone Protectors was released only on the Super Nintendo by Kemco, and was developed by Eurocom. The Genesis version was also developed by Eurocom, while Vic Tokai (Golgo 13, Clash at Demonhead, The Krion Conquest) would have been the publisher, and had it been released, would have sat on store shelves in May of 1994 with a T for Teen rating assigned by the newly-formed ESRB.

According to ESRB.org, only the Vic Tokai published version of the game (the SEGA Genesis version) has ever been rated. Due to an oversight or whatever other reason, the SNES version was able to slip by the ratings board even though it saw a later release in November of that same year. Something like this would have never happened today, but this was the start of the ESRB, and mistakes happen.

The T rating might have been reason enough to have cancelled the Genesis game, as what thirteen-year-old-and-up kid would want to play? But, really, it's the marketing team's own fault. What rating did they think they earned after placing a frightening mohawked wrestler prominently on the game's cover wielding a makeshift whip made of rotary telephone parts? Did they think a child's parents would go for that? Children whipping their siblings with the telephone in the kitchen?

In the second TMNT movie, the director was clever enough to skirt the violence issue by having the Turtles attacking the bad guys with yo-yos and sausage links and not with their deadly katanas and nunchucks. It's all about compromises when you're dealing with killing people and wholesome family fun.

I sincerely hope someone was fired and their MBA shredded.

All was not lost for devoted Troll fans in 1994, as in the same year Trolls on Treasure Island was released by AVE for the NES. Correction: I have played Trolls on Treasure Island, and all was, indeed, lost for devoted Troll fans in 1994. Shame be upon the Crick family name.

If you remember at the beginning of the article, I mentioned that there were two major companies making Troll Dolls at this time: Russ, with their non-jeweled trolls, and Ace, with their jeweled take on the little monsters. AVE was clever in incorporating elements of both: every copy of their game included a Russ pencil topper strapped to the front of the box, holding on for dear life, and by no coincidence they also managed to get the word 'treasure' into the title for young girls to make a hasty connection to their treasured Treasure Troll collections (that the game is littered with a rainbow assortment of jewels didn't hurt either). And AVE did this all without having to pay either company (or Nintendo) a dime for the licensing! A good showing, American Video Entertainment.

 

To remind kids of the Stone Protectors so that they could ask for them by name and order them alphabetically on their Christmas wish lists, every episode of the TV show opened with each of the Protectors introducing themselves and tacking on a ridiculous rhyme. They did the same thing with their toy commercials, too. For instance, did you know the one named Chester the Wrestler likes food? It's totally true! I can 100% relate.

Like all Ninja Turtle rip-offs at the time, The Protectors had an origins story. Before they became the Stone Protectors, the guys played in a failing band called the Rock Detectors. On one fateful day, after getting thrown out of another gig, they find glowing magical crystals that give each of the band members a special power, like super-human strength or the ability to climb shit. One of them gets roller blades.

With new power and roller blades come great responsibilities, as the Stone Protectors must now protect their stones from the nefarious Predators. Led by the evil Zok, he and his number one henchman, Zink, will stop at nothing to grab at their rocks!

There's probably more to the plot than that, but here's the cast of crazy characters for you to collect on eBay and out of landfills!

 

Instrument: Electric guitar Quotes: "I'm Maxwell, and I rip on lead guitar… killer licks!" "The name is Max, I'm a skater blader! One slice from me and it's see ya later!"

Instrument: Drums Quotes: "I'm Cliff, and I scale the drums… let's get vertical, have some fun!" "They call me Cliff and I like to climb. Put the drop on bad dudes anytime!"

Instrument: Electric keyboard Quotes: (in terrible Scottish accent) "I'm Angus on keyboard and I can lay back, but it's great to rip with a fast attack!" "My name is Angus. Gus, to my pals. I'll make anything into an ars-e-nal."

 

Instruments: Bass guitar and saxophone Quotes: "Me, I'm Chester on electric bass… thumping licks all over the place!" "Chester's my name and I like food. Like to squeeze bad guys with my wrestling moves!"

 

Instruments: Rocks the mic, sometimes the electric guitar Quotes: "I'm Cornelius the singer, front man of the band, got a voice that can stun… yeeeeeeaaah!" "Cornelius is my name, Samurai is my thing. Fight like a warrior, sing like the King."

 

Instrument: None Quotes: "Hey, the door's unlocked! Come on in! I made some cookies for you on the table. Did you bring the condoms?"

 

Instrument: None Quotes: "Hi, why don't you have a seat for me right over there? I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC and we're doing a story on adults who try to meet teens online for sex."

 

As pointed out before, Stone Protectors saw a release only on the Super Nintendo. Below is an incomplete list of differences between the released SNES version and this unreleased Genesis one.

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• The copyright at the bottom of the title screen is slightly different. Instead of Kemco Presents (as seen on the SNES version), it's Vic Tokai Inc.
• Intro movie breaks down the text differently.
• The Genesis prototype includes a level select option in the Options menu.
• Some general things: the background at the beginning of a level no longer scrolls but remains static, and gone are the character poses at the end of each stage.
• First stage begins with enemy facing the wrong way and the addition of a little birdie.
• On the mine stage, lantern lights flicker and the mice in the background are moved around. Also, enemies riding in mine carts are not the same. When you hit the boss, he freezes and turns blue.
• On the third stage, only one enemy falls down at a time to fight (SNES has up to three fighting together) until the little lava monsters come at ya - then it's two at a time in the Genesis version, three together in the SNES. (So Genesis can't handle the mighty Stone Protectors?) Also, the pit where you fight the boss is not the same shape.
• The beach stage has a NEW SNAIL! There's also a snake in one of the barrels (and not a mouse). These developers were too ambitious! Characters no longer leave their footprints in the sand.
• Dogs in bazaar are arranged in different areas.
• There's a different background during the final boss fight.
• The game rushes through the ending and goes straight to a looping credits roll. Some new people in the credits (they must have designed the new snail).

See how many more differences you can find after you...