This
shouldn't come as too big of a surprise for those of
you who have already seen the newly revamped Jaws
shrine (which is still proudly - yes, I think, 'proudly'
is the right word - the only tribute of its kind on
the net). What you might not know is the story behind
my hunt for the prototype.
This
past summer, there were rumblings online about a serious
collector from Canada who was liquidating his gaming
collection, a collection that included, you guessed
it, a Jaws proto. The reptilian part of my brain
took over when I read the words "Jaws proto"
and in seconds I contacted him and said I'd be interested
in buying the game, and to name his price. I was hungry
for shark meat.
I
checked my e-mail constantly until a few hours later
a message finally came through with his offer. Sweet
joyous Jaws, I thought! But then I clicked and
saw his asking price.
$450
+ shipping.
Goddamn
sonofabitch shark!
I
know the US dollar is shit right now, and the economy
is only likely to get worse, but it's not like downtown
Washington D.C. is in flames (yet).
I
thought he might have been joking. I read the e-mail
a few times, looking for a hidden smiling emoticon,
or a winking emoticon, some textual shit-eating grin,
but I came up with only the empty affect of bare text
and harsh reality. I replied to him and tried to explain
that his price was unreasonable.
"Some
unreleased prototypes don't even go that high,"
I said.
$450
for a game with singing Sun-Maid raisins? Sure. But
no way for a game based on a killer shark movie sequel.
This is Nintendo Collecting 101, people.
He
wouldn't budge, though. He even claimed a collector
from the Netherlands was going to buy it if I didn't
act fast enough. (Damn you, Euro!) He said he had missed
out on a gaming deal once before in the past and warned
me he has regretted his indecision ever since, and he
was doing me a favor in pointing this out so that I
could prevent a similar fate from happening to me.
I
considered his words. Could he be right? Could I continue
on in this state, weak and despondent, from Jawslessness,
reduced to living a life of existentialism with a memory
diseased by knowing I had once passed up the one chance
to own the mother of all shark-related video game prototypes?
I'm
not the sanest, not the least postmodern person you'll
ever meet - but I'm not that fucking bonkers. Not yet,
anyway.
I
tried again to reason with him, showed him the online
game tribute I created, confessed my undying love
for Nintendo Jaws, begged for his grace and mercy.
"The
game will replace the crucifix statue on my mantle,"
I told him, half kidding, half dead serious. "I'll
make an idol out of it and worship daily." (I might
not have said it in these exact words, but that was
the effect I was trying to convey to him: that I was
desperate and willing to degrade myself considerably.
If he requested a live webcam feed of me in undress,
I would have probably provided it. I would have sexy
danced for him, too, danced my heart out like an attention-hoarding
teenaged YouTube girl wearing gold-colored hotpants.)
Seeing
how he couldn't get me off his back about the price,
he elaborated on how he came to the $450: years ago
he contacted the webmaster of The Warpzone and was told
the prototype would be worth at least $250. He must
have thought that were enough of an explanation, but
this addition only left me more mystified. Did the $200
difference come from inflation? Some Canadian tax? Does
Canada even have taxes? Would this money go towards
the purchase of a Royal Canadian Mountie uniform?
I
finally had enough of the runaround and decided there
was no guy from the Netherlands, that this was a ploy
to take advantage of a foam helmet-wearing American
fool (me), and I would have to live with a depressing
crucifix on my mantle instead of the magical allure
that would have surely beamed from the plastic casing
of a Jaws prototype.
But
then a Christmas miracle came early. The deal with the
mysterious Fucking Dutchman, if he ever existed, must
have fallen through, because the game popped up in an
auction search I was randomly on, and after all was
said and done, Jaws now stands proudly on my
mantle, in front of Jesus, and it cost me less than
one-fourth of the original offering price.
Said
Santa to one good little boy, "Take your Jaws
proto, go out, and spread joy!" The elves cheered
when he rammed the boat into Jaws, "Merry Christmas
to all!" cried Santa Claus.
Now
to the game: before you get your hopes up, nope, no
hidden digital Dreyfuss in this version. If you want
to see The Dreyfuss, you'll have to go rent Mr. Holland's
Opus, I'm afraid. A common misconception is that
Jaws: The Videogame is a spin-off of the first
movie - it's not, actually, but rather loosely follows
the plot of Jaws: The Revenge, the fourth and
final sequel. (And before you ask: there's no bloody
Michael Caine here, either.)
Things
you should know about the film if you haven't seen it:
Great Whites will attack you if your last name is Brody
and will follow you from New York to the Bahamas if
they have to, sharks can roar, the character Michael
Caine plays in the movie is named "Hoagie,"
and, finally, THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL!
I
think Roger Ebert summed it up nicely in his 0-star
review of the film:"Jaws: The Revenge is
not simply a bad movie, but also a stupid and incompetent
one - a ripoff."
Things
you should know about the game if you haven't played
it: it's awesome.
In
terms of actual changes in the prototype, there appears
to be a small graphical difference (glitch?) that occurs
at the sequence when you have to ram Jaws with the boat.
As you can see by this screenshot, the islands in the
background look roughly rectangular and lack the detail
of the islands in the released version.
Released
Version
Other
than that, everything looks to be identical to the game
LJN released.
So,
would Jaws have been worth the original steep
price? No. Not then. But now that I have it? Now it
is. In fact, now it's worth MORE. Again, Nintendo Collecting
101, people!
  
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